Last Saturday, I woke into some very tired full moon energy. My limbs didn't want to do much, and my brain was in that nice space where it hasn’t yet started yelling eight different things at once. Even without astronomical events, mornings are frequently physically and emotionally challenging for me. The clarity and motivation I often reach at about bed time flies away in the night. Even if I leave myself a nice “next steps” list so I know exactly where to pick up in the morning, it’s like a completely different version of me has taken over and doesn’t believe a damn thing Night Jess was an expert on.
The morning hours progressed, and I noticed some fear creeping in. You could call it anxiety, but underneath it was basic low-grade fear. About not knowing what I'm doing. About wanting a business based on something I love, but feeling like I have no idea how it will work out. About not being anywhere near where I thought I would be by now… though where exactly did I assume I would be? And haven’t I noticed yet that I’m also not anywhere near where I thought I would be- but in a positive way? I don’t think teenage me was sitting around assuming that I’d be able to pull off the amount of travel I’ve been blessed to experience and also somehow manage to move to Europe by now. But where we thought we’d be often has more to do with where we felt like we should be, and little to do with what we would actually enjoy doing and how we’d like to feel day to day.
I started getting the message it was time to do a round of unblocking hypnosis a la To Be Magnetic or a fear-releasing deep meditation journey from A Line Within, but I just haven’t been in the mood lately. Always interrupting my day to unpack more of myself can get a little overwhelming when you factor in the multitudes of… well, everything that can glom on to one tiny soul. There’s always something buried deeper, and in a spiritual vortex of unearthings we can forget to pay attention to being human.
Instead, still with the unproductive buzzing of could-haves in my ear, I left to do a via ferrata with my husband. In addition to the full moon lethargy, I’ve just exited a winter during which there was an unprecedentedly low amount of physical activity. I’d also never done one of these courses before so I wasn’t feeling my strongest. We finished hiking the trail to the starting point and began our way up the first rock face which gradually leaned more and more toward the ground as it rose. I'm comfortable with heights, but that feeling when your grip is the only thing keeping you from falling backwards-even of you're hooked in, is not so cool when you’re already feeling shaky. As hands got a little sweatier and there seemed to be less air to breathe in the hanging position, I had to move into suck it up mode.
When it comes to physical things, or trusting in drivers transporting me at top speed toward oncoming traffic in countries where general safety takes a back seat- I'm good at choosing to let fear drain away, leaving it behind to puddle in that last pothole the driver rammed through. Hanging off the rocks, I began thinking about how weird it is that we let so many less imminently life threatening things be a steady source of fear. I remembered To Be Magnetic’s recent podcast with Jill Wintersteen of Spirit Daughter talking about the tendency of Scorpio south nodes-or those with strong Scorpio energy in general, to cling too tightly to the idea that we have to do endless work to heal. There’s a tendency to repeatedly revisit our suffering and keep digging in order to transform. Taurus energy, especially as the north node, says it can be simple- connecting with the Earth and enjoying the simplest pleasures of life that are available to everyone, even if it's just connecting with your breath or paying attention to the sensations in your body. As I was climbing, and forced to fully focus on my body and surroundings, I thought about this possibility of the simplest option potentially being the most healing.
Like many people, I've had a lifelong relationship with the idea that hard is what makes something legitimate or valuable. This has been an issue since I’ve simultaneously wanted to reject hard routes having seen how miserable they made so many family members and friends. When I finished climbing a particularity challenging section of the via ferrata, I unclipped myself and sat against some rocks to enjoy the view- a complete panorama of the plateau and down the limestone cliffs to the Gorge du Tarn. Tiny stone villages and fields of white blossoming cherry trees dotted the hillsides between vineyards and fields recently transformed to a patchwork of green and blooming yellow. My breath evened out, and the air smelled like warm pine. I glanced down at my rented harness and saw Scorpio printed on the shock absorber. The Universe is so silly sometimes.
I finished the day feeling cleansed by sunlight and physical movement, some of the very simplest pleasures here on Earth. I realized I'd left the morning's fear floating somewhere around my first go on the zip line, and my mind was beautifully quiet. Taurus and Scorpio are my nodes, but they're also the Earth's current nodes so these are energies that everyone can keep an eye out for right now.
What fears have you been "working hard" to get out of your head?
What's a simpler- maybe almost too simple- thing you can do to heal that fear?
Let simplicity support you. Let simplicity be healing.